最初是知而不行, 現在是什麼都不知

Last night was terrible
Pretty sure that I went back to my old track
People never change, right?

Today, its even worse
Had a lunch meeting with Stephen
As always, there was sth that he would like to say
Which brought out my tears in the most shameful way

I know that I am never the type of cold, tough girl
I know I often cry
But are you crying too much recently
That you cannot even control yourself in the public + in front of your boss???!!!
Girl, you are making me sick
How old are you?
Crying is ok
But in front of your BOSS???!!!
You must be nuts
The worst part is that you hate to look bad in front of this man
So now I am feeling shameful, silly & childish
I also feel humiliated
But I am the one who have humiliated myself
Bravo~Give yourself a clap
Because you just made things even worse
This is one of the most disgraceful day in my career life
Though I do admit that you cannot find any relationship between yourself & "Grace"

Felt grim yesterday
Felt busy, tried but pointless
Kind of don't know what to do
I seldom lose my direction
But yesterday, I did
And I even would like to leave the office as early as possible
Which is so "Not Me"

Still fooling around this morning
Don't know what the fuck I was doing
Don't even know why I were here
What I were meant for
Probably too busy & tried
Had my vision only focusing in an extremely narrow scope
Needed reminder
(I hate to admit)
And my lovely boss of course gave me the kind of reminder he liked

This is the least helpful type of assistant that I need
I admit that I need reminders
But I hate to felt like the one "In Need For Help"
Again, Girl, How Old Are You?
You need your boss to babysit you???

The whole talk was constructive
But devastating
Breaks me down totally
I honestly don't like to receive help
Because of my pride?
But what sort of pride does an inconfident girl like you have?
I do believe that
My extremely ironical character is pulling me apart

All of a sudden
I would like to escape
Sth that I would not allow
But would hope to do so
To escape to a space
Where there is no time
Where there is no people
Where there does not even have my existence
So That I can calm down a bit

Stephen said that I was tense
I denied
He said I was
Especially when I worked also on Sat & Sun
He told me to do sth that I liked
I broke down immediately
What he said was like sprinkling salt onto my wounds
Huge grains of sea salts

I Know I have problems
I know what my problems are
I need no one to remind me of my personally, internal problems
If you would like to remind me of my work
Please feel free to
Though I would not like to listen
I would appreciate such reminders
BUT don't send me reminders
Reminding me of my personal problems
Not that I am being too rude or eager
I just do not have guts to bring these topics to the front

I appreciate his attention
His sharing & experience
But that is not going to help me
It will just make me crumble
In public
In front of him
Which make me hate myself after all

Stephen suggested me to do sth I like on holidays
That was the part that got into my nerves
I cried out like a damn (fuckingly insane) baby
And said "I did not even know what to do on holidays."
WoWoWo~ Yea, he brought out the worst part
A problem that had been troubling me
A problem that I would like to solve by seeing a life coach
He then shared with me that
A successful life does not mean a happy life
I told him that I knew and I understood
And honestly
I understood this since I studied in primary
I asked myself what was the point of studying and getting good grades
My answer was to get a well paid job
Because a well paid job could bring me stability
But NOT happiness
Seems that my ironical character had been with me since young
Even myself was amazed to know that
I had developed critical thinking that young
For this reason
My life is meant to be hard
Because my thoughts are just too complicated

And my answer to Stephen's theory was
"知而不行"
Now I suffer more
Because I do not even know what I "knew" in the past

最初是知而不行, 現在是什麼都不知

It is hard
For I even need to look for that long lost answer
That answer was once with me
I chose to ignore it
And now,
It's not with me again
As if I were losing my instinct
All I have are a bunch of questions
Accompanied with a lot of question marks