The more you understand, the more you dont understand

"For every breath you breathe in

You gain more energy

For every breath you breathe out

You let go"

This is the relaxation exercise my life coach did with me in the 1st lesson

But I found myself sinking more and more in

With every breath i breathe in and out



Life has been a struggle

But fate had allowed me to take a short break

In the past 5 years

In year 2010

Life is like the way it was

Back to the tearful, desperate track

I invest in myself

Joining the life coach course

Because I am so sick of my life

After 5 years living in ease

I cannot go back to that painful track

I know that joining life coaching is not the solution

The life coach herself is not the solution

Me myself is the solution

However, the more I dig into myself

The more I feel grim



I always understand myself

But in my case

The more I understand myself

The more I cannot see the key to my problems

Let say -

How can I feel connected?

How can I avoid feeling lonely in or after happy moments

How can I stop crying alone...

The more I dig deep into myself

I more I don't understand

Am I making a fuss?

Are these problems really happening

Or its just me getting crazy

And creating all these "unreal" problems

What if these are not even problems

What if everyone has gone through this stage...



Feelings are however - always honest

You felt sad, desperate, depressed and you want to tear up etc

I can deny a lot of things

Even the problems that I am facing

But not these feelings




I thought my job can save me

From all these unhappiness

But it seems that I am not making any progress as well

Feeling disconnected from almost everything

What should be the next step?




I hope I am angry

Anger is a more positive energy comparing to being depressed

When I feel depressed

I am like stuck

As if I could not breathe

That there is such a strong force over my chest

And I cannot breathe deeply




For more and more often

I want to retreat

From everything that I am doing

I want to escape

This is the worst available option

I just want to stop

Stop everything

But I know that the world will never stop for me

So I cannot stop as well