Looking Back

After this Jan
I had not wrote anything in this blog
Not because all nightmares had ended
But simply because I was too buzy

With regards to the wild imagination of resigning
Well, I had made it a reality
Submitted a cheque, a hand-written resignation letter with tears messing with every single word
Returned the keys to the empty office that I love the most
Left a lot of tears marks on my desk and thats all

For details about why resigning
I need not to write down
Simply because I will never forget
And thats really all - for the first half of the story
The second part is that we had long chat in a park with Jane & Stephen
And I stayed

After that, it was the Chinese New Year
Realizing that I need to let go of the sales figures
Because it was my boss who said I shoudl leave the available stock to the website team
- They have margin, let them sell, its not a tough decision at all
On the first day of 2011 ( Chinese Calendar), USD1500 is what I got

After the 3-day holiday
Returned, felt different
After a week, got caught by Stephen
Had a serious chat in the corridor
"Can you start selling without the items being replenished?"
"The cash flow is tight"
Hes really worry, I can tell
I never know how to read much facial expressions
But this time I know
Becasue he is finally having ebay team in his mind

Instead of feeling shock
I had a bliss of happiness
e bay team is finally in his mind

Start pushing sales
After a few days
Received a mail from Stepehn
He CC to Calvin as well
I will never forget
How he said that he did not know if the company can surve March
Also the crazy sales target he passed me
Reach USD7000 on / before 7th March
Or reach USD90000 on / before the end of March
My first thought was - our sales was not even that high in the peak season
My seconf thought was - I need to make this work
My third thought was - I could not do both the FYP & this task well, I would withdrawn my FYP for the company's sake
Again, thats all

I had start my days
Following my instincts to do the best that I could
I knew that the 2 girls in SZ could not help me
They could not reach my standard
I knew Janet in HK could not help me
She was out of fuel
I only had myself and my sleeping hours
Leaving SZ office at arounf 8pm
Returned HK at around 9.30pm
Take a shower, had a quick meal
Turn on my notebook at 10pm sharp
Sleep at around 2-3am had become my shedule in the coming months

On 7th March, I could not reached the USD 7000 target
And on the end of March, I could not reach USD 9000
But with no help I had made a huge improvement
This is one of the times in life that I am not insecure

And one Sat morning
I woke up early working
Sent out the Sales Summary
Stephen replied immediately
Asking me to revise the table in order to show the shipping as well
I did it immediately
I had exceeded USD6000
I bursted into tears in bed
That was the middle of March

And then, Ken had more and more influences in the company
The mighty general manager
Hosting awful long meeting every fucking Wed
The only aim of the meeting is to stab each others back?
Or maybe directly slap each others face
Either way - "Dont waste my time on this, I still have a whole bunch of listing to tune"
That was my only thought

And then, Janet reisgned

And and then, Calvin held her for another 3 months

And and and then, Ken hosted the 3-month incentive program

And and and and then, the program made me sick

And and and and and then, I escaped to Phuket, a nice trip alone that I will never forget

And and and and and and then, I had reached USD10000 per day

And and and and and and and then, Janet was finally gone

And and and and and and and and then, Ryan was gone too

And and and and and and and and and then, Peggy was gone as well

And and and and and and and and and and now, the 2011 peak season had just began

And finally, I will be the next to go
After the peak season

I love my work
But the more I love it
The more it becomes the main source of my pain, my insecurity, my fountain of tears
I want to put an end to all these
I do not want to make tearing up my greatest talent

My Sick Addiction

Too late for the other side
Caught in a chase
25 to life
Too late for the other side
Caught in a chase
25 to life
Yeah
Too late
I cant keep chasing em
Taking my life like that
Caught in a change
25 to life

[verse 1]
I dont think she understands the sacrifices that I made
Maybe if this bitch had acted right I wouldve stayed
But ive already wasted over half of my life I wouldve laid
Down and died for you I no longer cry for you
No more pain bitch you
Took me for granted took my heart and ran it straight into the planet
Into the dirt I can no longer stand it
Now my respect I demand it
Imma take control of this relationship
Command it, and imma be the boss of you now goddamnit
And what I mean is that I will no longer let you control me
So you better hear me out this much you owe me
I gave up my life for you, totally devoted to you while ive stayed
Paved for all the way this is how I fucking get repaid
Look at how I dress fucking baggy sweats, go to work a mess
Always in a rush to get back to you I aint heard you yet
Not even once say you apreciate me I deserve respect
I've done my best to give you nothing less than perfectness
And I know that if I end this I'll no longer have nothing left
But you keep treating me like a staircase its time to fucking step
And I wont be coming back so dont hold your fucking breath
You know what youve done no need to go in depth
I told you, youd be sorry if I fucking left
Id laugh while you wept
Hows it feel now, yeah, funny aint it, you neglected me
Did me a favor though my spirit free you've set
But a special place for you in my heart I have kept
It's unfortunate but its,

[chorus]
Too late for the other side
Caught in a chase
25 to life
Too late for the other side
Caught in a chase
25 to life

[verse 2]
I feel like when I bend over backwards for you all you do is laugh
Cause that aint good enough you expect me to fold myself in half
Till I snap
Dont think im loyal
All I do is rap
I can not moonlight on the side
I have no life outside of that
Dont I give you enough of my time
You dont think so do you
Jealous when I spend time with the girls
Why im married to you still man I dont know
But tonight im serving you with papers
Im divoricing you
Go marry someone else and make em famous
And take away there freedom like you did to me
Treat em like you dont need them and they aint worthy of you
Feed em the same shit you made me eat
Im moving on forget you oh,
Now im special, ha I felt special when I was with you
All I ever felt was this
Helplessness
Imprisoned by a selfish bitch
Chew me up and spit me out
I fell for this so many times
Its ridiculus
And still I stick with this
Im sick of this but in my sickness aint addiction
Your addictiveness take it
Evil as they come vindictive as they make em
My friends keep asking why I cant just walk away
Im addicted
To the pain, the stress, the drama
Im drownin so I guess imma mess
Cursed and blessed
But this time imma
Aint changing my mind
I'm climbing out this abiss
You screaming as I walk out that ill be missed
But when you spoke to people who meant the most to you
You left me off your list
Fuck you hip-hop
Im leaving you, my life sentence is served bitch
And its just

[chorus]
Too late for the other side
Caught in a change
25 to life
Too late for the other side
Caught in a change
25 to life
Too late
Caught in a change
25 to life

To me
Maybe,just maybe
I should change this to 23/24 to life
Feel so much from hearing this song
Of course I never experienced such betrayal like Eminem
But I do feel something similar
From my work

Don't mistaken all these
I love my work - Still
But negative things are striking everyday
How long can I stand?

What is the difference between
Quitting & Letting go?
I am in between both types I guess
But no matter which type I eventually "into"
The results are just the same
Resignation

Stephen asked me about my big plans today
In the morning when he asked me to accompany him to the bank
I said my plans
He had not response
I asked him "Really no comments?"
He said he could not think of any at the moment
I doubted

Before he left today
I asked him again
He said he actually had comments
He believed that I had plans
But he could not get what I were targeting for in the end
Therefore before giving an answer
I needed a question
And he said he would gave me that examination question

In the corridor
He said he wanted 4 things before 31st May 2011
1. USD12000 sales per day
2. HKD7500 net profit per day
3. 1 account will account for USD5000 sales per day
4. 1 Top-rated US account

He said it again
做完一大舊野都吾知為左咩
He said I had no targets
I defended myself
I said my targets out
In fact on 05th Jan
When I took a sudden annual leave
I asked myself to plan from the targets
I thought I made it right this time
Because I did stop myself from thinking about the details of the plans
I only asked myself the targets, the goals that I would like to achieve
I did make it right this time
With all the cigrettes & coffee in Langham place

And his comments were
I did not have any targets?
This was the very few times that I felt angry
Angry is good
At least its better than depression

I immediately defended myself
I mentioned by targets
Before 16th Feb
1. USD1000 net profit per day
2. 200 more items per day
16th Feb 2011 would be my 2nd year here

He did not response to my targets
Continued mentioning about his
And at last
Repeated again
That I did not have targets
I think maybe he did not hear?
Or
He simply ignored?
I got sparky
"Didn't tell you doesn't mean I have none"

Cried for 4 times (I think)
On the bus when travelling home
Keep thinking about resignation after 31st May 2011
Or shall I say imagining
I can never get my brain off imagining sad things
Since young
Never know why
Just like wazz
The image repeats on and on

A night piror
I will return this notebook
After everyone was gone
I will leave them a hand written resignation letter
Put a cheque in
And I will close the door
Put the key in the mail box
And I will vanish
As if I had never existed in this company

I like this place
Everytime imagining about my resignation
I cry
Just like now
But how many times of failure can I accept?
Not that I cannot accept failure
But for how long
Do I still need to keep my head down
Feel bad everyday
Without a grasp of satisfaction?

My work is my life
Its the sign of me living
It shows my existance
I can't feel much about my life
As if my hands were frozen in winter
But I have feelings towards my work
And I want to change it my career

Back home
Think again
Has Meg ever missed Stephen or Calvin' s targets?
How would she cope?
Will she set a deadline and leave afterwards?
Or maybe she had never failed?

I was then stuck to thinking about the differences
Bewteen quitting & letting go

This work is too important to quit or to let go
At least it is ranks a really heavy position now in my heart
Don't know when I cannot stand the pain
And decide to leave
I am not asking myself to set a deadline now
And I am not asking myself to commit to all Stephen' s 4 targets
Honestly, I value net sales more than sales
And being top-rated honestly means nothing to me
So I will keep my focus mainly on netsales

Need to settle down my team for this
Keep Jeana staying is a key
She wants comission, but how to measure?
Still thinking
Need to hire one extra
But the current 2 girls are not yet ready
CS is ok
Product...if Stephen is not taking Phoebe away
Its ok too

What else?

As always I work my best
But I can never guatantee
And I still cry like a kid
With a cigrette hanging on my lips