Looking Back

After this Jan
I had not wrote anything in this blog
Not because all nightmares had ended
But simply because I was too buzy

With regards to the wild imagination of resigning
Well, I had made it a reality
Submitted a cheque, a hand-written resignation letter with tears messing with every single word
Returned the keys to the empty office that I love the most
Left a lot of tears marks on my desk and thats all

For details about why resigning
I need not to write down
Simply because I will never forget
And thats really all - for the first half of the story
The second part is that we had long chat in a park with Jane & Stephen
And I stayed

After that, it was the Chinese New Year
Realizing that I need to let go of the sales figures
Because it was my boss who said I shoudl leave the available stock to the website team
- They have margin, let them sell, its not a tough decision at all
On the first day of 2011 ( Chinese Calendar), USD1500 is what I got

After the 3-day holiday
Returned, felt different
After a week, got caught by Stephen
Had a serious chat in the corridor
"Can you start selling without the items being replenished?"
"The cash flow is tight"
Hes really worry, I can tell
I never know how to read much facial expressions
But this time I know
Becasue he is finally having ebay team in his mind

Instead of feeling shock
I had a bliss of happiness
e bay team is finally in his mind

Start pushing sales
After a few days
Received a mail from Stepehn
He CC to Calvin as well
I will never forget
How he said that he did not know if the company can surve March
Also the crazy sales target he passed me
Reach USD7000 on / before 7th March
Or reach USD90000 on / before the end of March
My first thought was - our sales was not even that high in the peak season
My seconf thought was - I need to make this work
My third thought was - I could not do both the FYP & this task well, I would withdrawn my FYP for the company's sake
Again, thats all

I had start my days
Following my instincts to do the best that I could
I knew that the 2 girls in SZ could not help me
They could not reach my standard
I knew Janet in HK could not help me
She was out of fuel
I only had myself and my sleeping hours
Leaving SZ office at arounf 8pm
Returned HK at around 9.30pm
Take a shower, had a quick meal
Turn on my notebook at 10pm sharp
Sleep at around 2-3am had become my shedule in the coming months

On 7th March, I could not reached the USD 7000 target
And on the end of March, I could not reach USD 9000
But with no help I had made a huge improvement
This is one of the times in life that I am not insecure

And one Sat morning
I woke up early working
Sent out the Sales Summary
Stephen replied immediately
Asking me to revise the table in order to show the shipping as well
I did it immediately
I had exceeded USD6000
I bursted into tears in bed
That was the middle of March

And then, Ken had more and more influences in the company
The mighty general manager
Hosting awful long meeting every fucking Wed
The only aim of the meeting is to stab each others back?
Or maybe directly slap each others face
Either way - "Dont waste my time on this, I still have a whole bunch of listing to tune"
That was my only thought

And then, Janet reisgned

And and then, Calvin held her for another 3 months

And and and then, Ken hosted the 3-month incentive program

And and and and then, the program made me sick

And and and and and then, I escaped to Phuket, a nice trip alone that I will never forget

And and and and and and then, I had reached USD10000 per day

And and and and and and and then, Janet was finally gone

And and and and and and and and then, Ryan was gone too

And and and and and and and and and then, Peggy was gone as well

And and and and and and and and and and now, the 2011 peak season had just began

And finally, I will be the next to go
After the peak season

I love my work
But the more I love it
The more it becomes the main source of my pain, my insecurity, my fountain of tears
I want to put an end to all these
I do not want to make tearing up my greatest talent

My Sick Addiction

Too late for the other side
Caught in a chase
25 to life
Too late for the other side
Caught in a chase
25 to life
Yeah
Too late
I cant keep chasing em
Taking my life like that
Caught in a change
25 to life

[verse 1]
I dont think she understands the sacrifices that I made
Maybe if this bitch had acted right I wouldve stayed
But ive already wasted over half of my life I wouldve laid
Down and died for you I no longer cry for you
No more pain bitch you
Took me for granted took my heart and ran it straight into the planet
Into the dirt I can no longer stand it
Now my respect I demand it
Imma take control of this relationship
Command it, and imma be the boss of you now goddamnit
And what I mean is that I will no longer let you control me
So you better hear me out this much you owe me
I gave up my life for you, totally devoted to you while ive stayed
Paved for all the way this is how I fucking get repaid
Look at how I dress fucking baggy sweats, go to work a mess
Always in a rush to get back to you I aint heard you yet
Not even once say you apreciate me I deserve respect
I've done my best to give you nothing less than perfectness
And I know that if I end this I'll no longer have nothing left
But you keep treating me like a staircase its time to fucking step
And I wont be coming back so dont hold your fucking breath
You know what youve done no need to go in depth
I told you, youd be sorry if I fucking left
Id laugh while you wept
Hows it feel now, yeah, funny aint it, you neglected me
Did me a favor though my spirit free you've set
But a special place for you in my heart I have kept
It's unfortunate but its,

[chorus]
Too late for the other side
Caught in a chase
25 to life
Too late for the other side
Caught in a chase
25 to life

[verse 2]
I feel like when I bend over backwards for you all you do is laugh
Cause that aint good enough you expect me to fold myself in half
Till I snap
Dont think im loyal
All I do is rap
I can not moonlight on the side
I have no life outside of that
Dont I give you enough of my time
You dont think so do you
Jealous when I spend time with the girls
Why im married to you still man I dont know
But tonight im serving you with papers
Im divoricing you
Go marry someone else and make em famous
And take away there freedom like you did to me
Treat em like you dont need them and they aint worthy of you
Feed em the same shit you made me eat
Im moving on forget you oh,
Now im special, ha I felt special when I was with you
All I ever felt was this
Helplessness
Imprisoned by a selfish bitch
Chew me up and spit me out
I fell for this so many times
Its ridiculus
And still I stick with this
Im sick of this but in my sickness aint addiction
Your addictiveness take it
Evil as they come vindictive as they make em
My friends keep asking why I cant just walk away
Im addicted
To the pain, the stress, the drama
Im drownin so I guess imma mess
Cursed and blessed
But this time imma
Aint changing my mind
I'm climbing out this abiss
You screaming as I walk out that ill be missed
But when you spoke to people who meant the most to you
You left me off your list
Fuck you hip-hop
Im leaving you, my life sentence is served bitch
And its just

[chorus]
Too late for the other side
Caught in a change
25 to life
Too late for the other side
Caught in a change
25 to life
Too late
Caught in a change
25 to life

To me
Maybe,just maybe
I should change this to 23/24 to life
Feel so much from hearing this song
Of course I never experienced such betrayal like Eminem
But I do feel something similar
From my work

Don't mistaken all these
I love my work - Still
But negative things are striking everyday
How long can I stand?

What is the difference between
Quitting & Letting go?
I am in between both types I guess
But no matter which type I eventually "into"
The results are just the same
Resignation

Stephen asked me about my big plans today
In the morning when he asked me to accompany him to the bank
I said my plans
He had not response
I asked him "Really no comments?"
He said he could not think of any at the moment
I doubted

Before he left today
I asked him again
He said he actually had comments
He believed that I had plans
But he could not get what I were targeting for in the end
Therefore before giving an answer
I needed a question
And he said he would gave me that examination question

In the corridor
He said he wanted 4 things before 31st May 2011
1. USD12000 sales per day
2. HKD7500 net profit per day
3. 1 account will account for USD5000 sales per day
4. 1 Top-rated US account

He said it again
做完一大舊野都吾知為左咩
He said I had no targets
I defended myself
I said my targets out
In fact on 05th Jan
When I took a sudden annual leave
I asked myself to plan from the targets
I thought I made it right this time
Because I did stop myself from thinking about the details of the plans
I only asked myself the targets, the goals that I would like to achieve
I did make it right this time
With all the cigrettes & coffee in Langham place

And his comments were
I did not have any targets?
This was the very few times that I felt angry
Angry is good
At least its better than depression

I immediately defended myself
I mentioned by targets
Before 16th Feb
1. USD1000 net profit per day
2. 200 more items per day
16th Feb 2011 would be my 2nd year here

He did not response to my targets
Continued mentioning about his
And at last
Repeated again
That I did not have targets
I think maybe he did not hear?
Or
He simply ignored?
I got sparky
"Didn't tell you doesn't mean I have none"

Cried for 4 times (I think)
On the bus when travelling home
Keep thinking about resignation after 31st May 2011
Or shall I say imagining
I can never get my brain off imagining sad things
Since young
Never know why
Just like wazz
The image repeats on and on

A night piror
I will return this notebook
After everyone was gone
I will leave them a hand written resignation letter
Put a cheque in
And I will close the door
Put the key in the mail box
And I will vanish
As if I had never existed in this company

I like this place
Everytime imagining about my resignation
I cry
Just like now
But how many times of failure can I accept?
Not that I cannot accept failure
But for how long
Do I still need to keep my head down
Feel bad everyday
Without a grasp of satisfaction?

My work is my life
Its the sign of me living
It shows my existance
I can't feel much about my life
As if my hands were frozen in winter
But I have feelings towards my work
And I want to change it my career

Back home
Think again
Has Meg ever missed Stephen or Calvin' s targets?
How would she cope?
Will she set a deadline and leave afterwards?
Or maybe she had never failed?

I was then stuck to thinking about the differences
Bewteen quitting & letting go

This work is too important to quit or to let go
At least it is ranks a really heavy position now in my heart
Don't know when I cannot stand the pain
And decide to leave
I am not asking myself to set a deadline now
And I am not asking myself to commit to all Stephen' s 4 targets
Honestly, I value net sales more than sales
And being top-rated honestly means nothing to me
So I will keep my focus mainly on netsales

Need to settle down my team for this
Keep Jeana staying is a key
She wants comission, but how to measure?
Still thinking
Need to hire one extra
But the current 2 girls are not yet ready
CS is ok
Product...if Stephen is not taking Phoebe away
Its ok too

What else?

As always I work my best
But I can never guatantee
And I still cry like a kid
With a cigrette hanging on my lips

Suspension Tokyo.dragonext

So many years have passed
The dew is still on the roses
I left my childhood
In the garden of green

Come in the garden
And look at the tress
I used to play there when I was a child
Squirrels & birds
Little fairies
Settled down there long ago

A song from the movie Arrietty
The lyrics made me feeling very lonely

Had another awful day
I think the coming year will also be awful

I was hopeful last night
But could not help it
When returned to office
Knowing that ebay had suspended Tokyo
Without warning us previously

Really
What were I doing in the past 6 months
No, 7 months indeed
From the end of May to now
Almost January

Stephen's words was haunting me again
For the hard work in the past half year
You achieved almost nothing
Have you ever doubted
That you had actually walked the wrong path
Heading the Wrong direction?
I think I will remember this question forever

Had a phone conversation with him
Another awful one
Felt so bad
Felt useless & retard

Feelings are something honest
You felt hurt
Then the problem did exist
That the problem did haunt you

Hated it this way
Why were I feeling disgusted
When listening to his speech
I shouldn't should
Because honestly
You are achieving almost nothing
With the resources you were given
Your boss
Any boss
Would have every right to feel displeased
And you are not "happy" when hearing his comments
That he needed to say
"Though you may not like it, I would like to speak it this way..."
Honestly
How dare you
With the trash work that you had done
Who give you the right to be unhappy?

After lunch
Got another msn from Stephen
He said that he would like to have Phoebe
To dedicate completely into the web editor position
And report directly to him
For this reason
Phoebe would not be able to work for product specifications any more
So I might have to hired another person

I asked him the deadline for his
He said 15 Jan 2011
I said ok
And immediately posted an ad online
Hiring a replacement
With tears all over my face

I sort of thought product team was on track
So I could shift my attention to another area
I thought product team could run on its own

I sort of thought HK CS team was on track
So I could stress my attention on SZ CS
I thought HK CS could run on its own

Now Phoebe needed to go
I needed to do things all over again
When I first worked in mainland
Taking care of the descriptions

Now Jess was having problem with Dragonext emails
I needed to monitor her
As if I was monitoring the SZ CS team
Taking care of mail quality & quantity

I realized that I was back to step number 1
Nothing was finished, completed or done
All cases were unclosed, unsettled
I couldn't help feeling tried
Well, I did feel tried
How rare

My work, my job, my career
Are the only things that give me a sense of existence
Only with them
I feel actual & strong
They give me the pride that I need
But now
I felt inferior
And vague

With regards to Phoebe's case
I said nothing
Well, with such bad results
Who gives you the right to say anything
Furthermore
She was hired as a web editor
You knew this long ago
Why even feel sad?

For the results that you had achieved
What you had was what you deserve
No one was being unfair to you
It's just business
It's nothing personal
Result oriented - that's all

When you are doing such lousy job
You are what you have done
So, please do not obstruct the others
Your bosses have plans
You could not fulfill
Then at least do not obstruct

You know that people like Phoebe is hard to be hired in SZ
Then, please do not obstruct Stephen's decision
Please do not say a word
Please do not say no
Please do not suggest
This is the most that you can do

Christmas

This Christmas is a nice one
I feel ok
Because my family is around this year

I love to cook for my loved ones

This Christmas
Well - Not bad
At least I did not think much about my work today
(Though I still filter mails for tomorrow xdxd)
(Better teach Helen on Wed)

The blog for today is really positive

Never The Best Christmas, Never The Wost

Hate Christmas
Simply because of bad mood

Extremely depressed today
Did not even know what I was doing at work
Definitely fooling around
Interrupted
Distrubed
Sat down to see the clock ticking
Did not know what to do

Stop myself from hands-on tasks?
Then what should I do
I do not really have much big plans or strategies recently
If I stopped myself from hands-on tasks
I should turn off the computer
And take a nap

Kept thinking the whole day
Kind of asking myself when would I quit the job
Never intended to quit my job
Questioned myself simply because of depression

Lnnch
Arranged a small party
I showed no energy
Did not really want to join
I did not have much facial expression
Nor did I talked much
Ate little too
Well, simply because there were not much to eat

The protion I prepared were too little for
5 men & 8 girls
I noticed in the morning
I could have fixed it
But simply because of feeling moody
I did not even feel like picking up the phone to order pizza

When I was depressed
I was fully charged by negativity
I did not inatiate anything this morning
I mean I had ordered the food
Prepared them at home
Took a taxi to carry them back
With no one helpping
(except for maggie who helped me to buy wasabi, soya etc)
Felt heavy
And tried
(Yes, I felt tried)
Started to think
If no one was helpping
When should I

Arrived office
Discovered that there were not enough food
Need to resolve this problem...
With no one helpping
I almost gave up
Lost all my energy
Even asked myself why arranging such event
Kind of thought
If food were not enough
Let it be
Who cares?
Yea, I was depressed and angry

I want everyone to be happy
I want to feel positivity
Like we used to be
So I arranged this
I paid it all
Well, sharing is good
I just hope everyone can be happy
But except me
How pathetic

Stephen came into contact with me
I did not want to stay in the same space with him
The humiliation accuminated recently were drowning me
He spoke to me for several times
I did not want to answer
Showed him a more relaxed face later
Simply because I knew I was looking dead
I did not want people to ask why

After lunch
Stephen questioned CS members for a parcel of his
Surprisingly
His order was actually a cat toy for me
Though defective
Becasue we thought it was some wrong items returned by our customers
I was grateful to have it
But felt terrible at the moment
I did not want to be reminded of any recent unhappiness
I could not regulate or cordinate myself
To suffer the humiliation on one day
And feel the joy on the next
Its not my bosses or anyone's problem
It just mind

I hate Christmas
The recent ones just bring me to tears
This year
Its of course not the best one
But turns out thyat its not the worst one
I realised that I have not enjoyed Christmas with my parents for
7 years I supose

I think abot more than I forget, I forgot more than I remember

I am crying quite a lot recently
Crying when travelling on a bus
Crying when walk on the street
Crying when dining with my friends in a Christmas Dinner
Today was a bad day
But I am pretty sure that tomorrow will be worse
Because tomorrow is the Christmas Eve
Mom & dad will be home
I will not even have room to cry
How pathetic

If the incident did not occur
Today should be a flat day
Stephen & Calvin did not come to me
Peggy did not come to me
Spent most of my time doing something "hands-on"
Ordered a lunch box that tasted really bad
Passed it to Peggy & Jess
Well, these were the earlier part of today

After lunch, Matt came into my room
He talked about his concerns towards wholesale
All of his concerns were
Well, out of my control
There was nothing I could do for him
Nor could I explain to him the reason why
Simply because I was ordered not to get into wholesale tasks again
Spoke to Ryan for some advise
No conclusions were drawn

Later, Stephen entered my room
Asked what I were doing in a really flat way
When I say flat, I actually mean "dead"
He spoke to me in 1 tone
With no facial expression what so ever
Well he is not a clown
Why necessary to cheer me up

I told him I was enriching HK's titles
He looked even "dead"
I knew he was trying to see how "hands-on" I was
Whether I had "changed" or "improved" the way he requested last Wed
He did told me that if I stuck to doing "hands-on" tasks
He would directly ask me to report to him
In front of my subordinates
Of course I remember, that was only last Wed

I further explained to him about what I were doing
I also told him that the 2 girls in mainland were listing new items
And they would send reports to me & Janet everyday before 4pm
He then went back to asking me what I were doing
Plus the key question - why couldn't these be passed to the 2 girls?
He asked me - couldn't they be taught?
I said that they could not handle these at the moment
Furthermore, they had to list new items
"That's all" He said
then he turned around and walked out of my room
I asked him - just to stop his steps
"Do you have something to say or ask?"
He said no and went away

What now?!
Was he too "disappointed" that he did not even like to speak an extra word?
He definitely had something to say
He just chose not to say it

Later after 5pm
Got a call from ebay HK
Replying us about London's restriction
Something that had been haunting us for the entire week
They said that we were restricted
Because some of our listings were priced at USD10000
But we sold some really simple, ordinary items
For this reason,
The US Trust & Safety regarded us as a suspicious seller
They suspected that we were money laundering with their platform
I simply replied ebay HK that we were suggested to do so by Wilson
Also a staff of ebay HK
They then told me to remove those listing asap
But London was restricted
How can I revise those?
I wrote an email to Stiffany
To ask for her help
And then I reported this to Stephen & Calvin

At that time, I felt that ebay was really a messed up corporation
Their HK office & US office were not coordinating with one another
I was still positive and I considered that a rather unfortunate incident
Instead of my mistake
But apparently
Stephen was not on my side
Which broke me down totally
I do not want to mention this clearly
Or I will have to type Chinese

Anyway
I felt humiliated
Humiliated by myself
As if I had slapped my face hard
I could not look more bad
When Meg also came to me motioning about the iPhone replacement screen landing page
Asking me for new specifications, products etc.
Wow, the other's team is making a huge success
Girl what are you doing?

I felt humiliated because I could find so many reasonable excuses
For the failure of my ebay business
But at the same time
I could not allow myself to "use" any of these reasons
To make myself feeling better

I started to think about Stephen's 0-10 theory
I doubted myself - maybe I am not meant to be a successful sales person?
I struggled
Because at the same time
I would not accept or admit
That I were weak in that area
Meg can do it
Why cant I

I started to feel where my pressure comes from
From my own fear
Fear about being de-graded by the others
Fear about being considered inferior
But in fact
I were the one
Who considered myself inferior
Its my insecurity that was haunting me

I tried to clear all these negative thoughts out of my mind
Because I had to attend a Christmas dinner in an hour
And I could cry at any point
But I thought more than I forgot
I in fact brought out more than I had expected

I think about more than I forget
I forgot more than I remember
Meaningless negativity is kept in my mind
While all positivity are forgone

Life Coaching Lesson 2

"With every breath you breathe in
You take in energy
With every breath you breathe out
You let you"

Started the 2nd lesson today
Much different from the previous lesson
Allows me to know what coaching really is

This time
We focused on something new
Originally
We were meant to focus on the relationship aspect
Or the something about my work & career
But later
We started to talk about the fragmentation of one self

This happened all the time
And I gave 2 significant examples to Miika

Example 1
When Oscar was not performing up to my expectation
& HK colleagues kept complaining to me
I feel stressful, tried, disappointed & lose-face
And later ran into the angry stage
Eventually, into depression

I struggled
Because the 2 personalities inside are fighting against one another
For the subjective self
I understood how many difficulties Oscar was facing
For that reason
I did not think I should push him extremely hard
In fact
I never thought scolding, punishing
or making him felt bad would be the way out
And I was disappointed when the rest HK colleagues
Were unable to understand the difficult situation
And saw what I saw
For the objective self
I asked myself if I were being too lenient
If I were not tough enough to remedy the problem
I understood that I should not give excuses
To Oscar & myself
And I felt disgraceful & lose-face
When the other point out my team's mistakes
That made me feeling inferior

Example 2
In the case of Rice, Ping & I
Our friendship faded out since 2010
I felt betrayed, disappointed, heart-breaking, disrespected,
Depressed & angry

My subjective self asked myself
Not to blame anyone
Including myself
And I need not to ask why
Or find the reason for this fading relationship
However
For my objective side
I kept asking if I had done anything wrong
If I really were the one to be blamed
And if I were being too self-centered
So that I was not able to realize the problem of myself
As a whole

The 2 "me" are battling against each other
If one said that sth
The other will immediately challenge
And my heart as a whole
Is restless
I feel tried
And depression is always the final stage
Because my brain just does not want to function anymore
I therefore head towards escaping

With a whole session
Sitting in different chairs
Miika discussed my 2nd example with me
She would like to bring up more information from me
I did not trust in the beginning
But in the end of the session
It worked
Miika really let me know what coaching is about
You think you already understand yourself?
No - She brings out more from within
And the best thing about Miika's coaching is that
She never gives you the answer
That you are looking for
She will not even comment about rights or wrongs
All decisions are left for your own self
Which makes life coaching less like consoling to me
And now, I do believe that life coaching is crucial

Anyway
I have now realize that
The fragmentation of myself is for my own protection
I need this kind of protection because
I am insecure
And because
I do not trust

The subjective self comes up naturally
But as I do not trust even myself
The objective self is formed
To capture more concrete information
In order to back up the subjective part
Yet, in order to be "accurate"
The objective self is "only" looking for "concrete" information
Therefore, there is only Black & White
Instead of Grey
Since then, the subjective part also felt clueless
Therefore the 2 fragmented parts
Keep struggling on and on and on

This is what I have to accept
But at the same time
What I have to resolve
This whole system would work perfect as a whole
The key is as always
To strike a balance

I love my complexity
But I also long for simplicity in myself
What will my future be like?