Wholesale - Forever Gone, Forever Yours

Worked in mainland today
Had chat with Stephen about wholesale during lunch
A chat that a long for
But also a chat that kills me

The first question he asked was
"Why would u like to stick to doing wholesale?"
I gave him the most straight forward answer ever
情意結
The 3 words are a short but powerful answer to myself
Well yes, I have started handling wholesale tasks
Since the fist week I worked in this company
It's the only thing that makes me feeling like a pioneer in my career

The second question he asked was
"What brings u the enjoyment?
Taking care of the VIP customers
Or the enjoyment of making a deal?"
Well...I forgot my exact answer
(Because that was nothing close to what I feel)
But I did mention that I taking care of wholesale customers is not the key to my satisfaction

I was then asked about my views towards wholesale
& what wholesale is
I expressed my thoughts
& he expressed his
Though I found our believes quite similar
He disagreed & mentioned about the gap between our ideas

After that, I could not remember clearly
Because I was crying
In front of my boss in Pizza Hut
Just the same as this moment when I am typing this diary
I mentioned that I would like to work more as a front line staff
Instead of a back office staff
I said I would like to be part of the sales team
He said that he again shared different views
Because he would like me to be the "corrector" of various departments
He saw more quality as a "corrector"in me
Than as a sales person

What a dreadful answer
Killed me totally
I was kind of emotional
& I did said something true about myself
I said I would like to be a front line sales
Because I was not doing good enough in this area
So I would like to work more on it

He listened wrongly I suppose
He said he was not kicking me out because of the poor sales results in the wholesale division
Oh great - another dreadful answer
He was not satisfied with my performance in wholesale
Well, he did mentioned about this in the last appraisal
I can still remember

He kept saying things
I was not actually listening
And I realised that I really want to stick to managing wholesale team
Which makes me even said

Didn't know when
He asked again
Questioning why I insist to do wholesale
I did not answer
I even told him that I would not answer
2 reasons
1. Ownership - greedy enough, I would just like to own the team
2. Stephen's 1-10 ability theory

To me, if I were the 9-10 type
I would like to work hard in order to become a 1-6
And eventually, also a 0-1
I want to be well-round
I want to be 0-10
I want no weaknesses
Particular of the fact that this is how Stephen sees me

The conclusion of the whole lunch chat was no good
Heart-breaking & devastating
Last but not the least
He "suggested" or shall I say "notified"me
That I should not talk about the problems of my subordinates
With the other colleagues

I knew what he was talking about
Definitely about yesterday
When I was screaming about Helen & Maggie's work
I knew what I did is wrong
Which made me feel even bad
Somehow, being professional means that you can not even express your disappointment & anger
For this reason, I cannot help myself from feeling shameful of my rackless behaviour yesterday
Feeling just as bad as last time when he "helped" me with the DHL case

Yes and just like last time
I kind of make the problem work
Is feeling shameful a motivation of mine?
How sick...I just do not want to lose
Especially not in front of him

Sat & worked next to Helen
Made 3 new items today ahead of normal schedule
Hope tomorrow will not be another sluggish day
I just hate to feel the shame again
In front of Meg
For she has always been the frontline sales person

Friends

Woke up this morning
Felt as dreadful as last night
Still wep when thinking about the case
Sent Peggy & Ryan a short message
Mentioned that I would like to quit
Got Peggy's call immediately
She suggested me to confront my thoughts with Stephen
All of a sudden she became my coach
So thankful to have a friend like this
She was a colleague of mine
But she is also a good, caring friend

Did FYP in school
Finished researching
Left the library to call Chanice
To thank her to suggest me to use a better database for research
Mentioned to her about my drawback in work
She suggested me to confront to my boss
And not to accept things that I were uncomfortable with
She was also a coach of mine
So thankful to have a friend like this
She was a classmate of mine
We seldom see each other
But she is really a good, caring friend

Confronted to Stephen via text message
He has not yet replied
(instead of not replying i hope)
I have done what I should
And now I wait for his feedback
No matter if it was a good or bad one
I would not consider resignation
As long as he responds in a week
I think I feel much stronger
And I think I am being mature & professional this time
At least I have stepped up to express myself
Instead of tolerenting everything

Waited for Jane for dinner & movie
Talked with her about the case as well
Actually she knew already
But she is willing to listen for so many times
She gave me suggestions as well
As me not to think too much
And let go of the negative feelings
So thankful to have a friend like this
She is a colleague of mine
But also a good, caring friend

Read a passage from Kam Yuk on facebook
Quite a nice passage:

我們不能時時在身邊

好像電話簡訊也沒有了

我們不能第一時間分享彼此的快樂與不快樂

好像變的冷漠沉默了

我們不能再一起去吃飯一起說說笑笑

好像走出彼此的世界了

我們不能一起考試一起努力一起奮鬥

好像現在已經完全脫離過去了

我們不再有小矛盾也不再笑的那麼肆無忌憚

好像身邊少了一些什麼但也不那麼重要了

我們不能一起犯錯一起哭

好像那只屬於過去的不成熟

好像青蔥歲月只留下斑駁的記憶

我們都有了新的生活

新的環境 新的朋友

我們都在面對新的事

新的人陪在我們身邊

分享著我們的喜怒哀樂

有時候也會想起

想起曾經的我們

有時候一個小物品就會勾起一大串一大串的回憶

關於你

關於我們

甚至連那一句話都記得清楚

當時的笑當時的鬧

時間改變了什麼

其實什麼都沒有

時間讓我們從過去到現在

沖淡的是回憶 帶不走的也是回憶

親愛的你們

感激遇到你

陪我走過那一段長長的路

那時的我

幼稚不成熟

那時的我

遇到一個又一個坎

是你們陪我成長

沒有丟下我

如今

大家都在不同的地方

不同的環境

漸漸地

漸漸地

不再聯繫

但網誌的每一次更新

相簿的每一次更改

狀態的每一個變動

都牽動著彼此的心

因為這樣

我就知道

遠方的你們

好或不好

快樂或不快樂

原諒

不能時刻陪伴

原諒

那份感情不再濃烈

原諒

或許偶爾想起會感覺孤單

如果有一天

我們再遇見

朋友們

好哥們

好姐們

同桌的你

那當初的一切不會變

Feeling similar to the situation between Rice, Pinky & I?
NO, DEFINITELY NOT
Our situation cannot be describe in such a beautiful manner
It is distroted
They were my best friends
We were so close before
We meet each other everyweek
For more than once
But when friendship fades
They are nothing
Just 2 oridinary people in life
I dont hate them
They are just making their choices
But I cannot devote into the relationship any more
Simply because it hurts

People like Chanice, Carrie, Emily
Though they are not really close with me
Though we will not see each other once a week
They care about me
They bear me in their minds

As for my closest best friends?
They abandone me
I will not hear from them
Not until they post photos of they & my other friends finishing an activity
No calls, no messages, no msn from them
And even if I tried to contact
They would not respond

Though Ms Life Coach is a good one
She was wrong about 1 thing
She asked me how many time am I willing to devote on my friends when I am so into working
She assumed that I were not devoted
But in reality
It was my best friends
whol had chosen not to devote into the friendship any more
I am not the one who quit
They are
I quit now
Just because it hurts too much

I do not know if one day Ryan, Peggy, Jane Chanice, Carrie & Emily would fade away from my life
I am happy to have them in my life
But anyone can fade away from the others life
We will never know until the point of no turing back has been passed

Friday

To me, Friday is the best day in a week

Not even Sat & Sun can compare with Friday

I always love Friday

But I have cried for the last 3 Fridays

Friday is no longer the way it was

Or

It s just me who had changed



Friday

For the past 3 Fridays, i have cried

Not at home in bed

Not at home during the shower

I cried in the office when most people were gone

And the craziest thing today is - I have been weeping before people were off



I cried on the first Friday

Because Stephen asked me to share a new staff that I had with Meg

Not share to be exact

But to allocate to her



I cried on the second Friday

Because, well also because of Stephen

Who had started a rather headaching topic without ending it

Gone himself, leaving me behind with a troubled mind



I cried on today, on the third Friday

Because , again of Stephen

Who had kicked me out of the wholesale team

And allocated me to handle new items as product team



The wholesale business or sector

Was developed by me

Not to be proud, I was just the one who came across to set up the team

It was in July 2009 when I hired my second staff -Donald Wong

He was not given the opportunity to handle wholesale order until March 2010

Now in Nov 2010

The Peak Season of the year

I was officially kicked out of the team and Donald would be in charge



When I first read Donald's resume, I thought - HE IS THE ONE

His performance was not bad, but never perfect of course

He has good academic background

I suppose both my bosses kind of like him



When he was first hired

He had the perfect title - Associate Account Manager

While I - his supervisor was - Customer Service Specialist

When I first handled / set up the wholesale team

There were nothing

Not even extra resources

I once did the packing of a 1000-piece on my own

Now, there is an incentive program

And I was being kicked out

I was not happy

Kind of angry to be honest

Well, maybe soon or later, Donald will be paid more than me

He has the incentive program

And he can expand his sales by hiring more staff

All sharing commission



I was unhappy

Not because of $$

But why kicking me out from sth I set up on my own

I gave birth to the team

I still believe



I always want to be a sales person

Because I had fear & doubts

That boosting sales might be a weakness of mine

So I longed for such opportunity

And would like to prove myself wrong



The sales results of ebay proved that I could not really boost sales

And now

Wholesale is also gone

What's left? - I still have Product Development

Something that I never intend to head towards



I suppose I was not under Meg

But keep being pushed by her for new items

Its not her problem

Its just not what I like to do

Remember the time when Stephen first asked / assigned / pushed / forced me to do product development

I ran away from the office in the afternoon

Being so reasonably childish

But it turns out that I am doing product development now


I do not always want to do "tidy up" tasks all the time

I had been in Customer Service Team,

Something similar to the so call "Quality Assurance Team"

Now Product Team

Responsible for activating new items and inactivating old items

I want to develop myself to become the "starter" or "pioneer" too...

Instead of tidying up the other's mess...

When will my dreadful Fridays end?

I admit it (thought i would hate to)

The reason that people are addicted to work are because of several reasons
They need money
They need recognition
They look for status
They hate to cope with loneliness
Well yes, Ms Life Coach, you have pin pointed almost everything
I will not be finanically sufficient to be a student of yours at the moment
But one day, I will

I started to realize that I have fears
Fears that I did not even recognized
Fears that I had never paid attention to
And maybe its time I face them

Start to feel some "hope" or so call "light" in my recent days
Good?
Can be better~
And I still have a peak season to rock~

Back

Returned to write this really old blog again

My first feeling is - time fades

When I first started this blog

It was all about doing homework

The subject was Forecasting Colors & Trends (I suppose)

At that time, I was like studying full time

So devoted & so into what I was doing

I mean, from time to time, I was "into something"

And now, what am I i"into"?

Into my work

A rather narrow scope I think

Why is the scope narrow?

Well, because I am limiting my growth

To sum up, I have been probably "too devoted" or "too into" my work in the past year

Being "too focused", I started to lose my friends, my family & my interest in life

I felt great when I was working

Energetic & powerful during Monday to Friday

I felt depressed when I was on holiday

Depressed & tried during Saturday & Sunday

For this reason, I worked also on Saturdays & Sundays

Gave me a relieve for a short while

But dragged me even deeper into the mud pit

I started to think that maybe I am "too focused" again

Though I always believe that there is nothing so call "too focused" when it comes to working & career

You reap what you sow

So I am totally finw with being "too focused" at the same time

Anyway, just like any investment,

Yout scope cannot be too narrow

Or it will be risky

I know that I need to turn around the situation

I need to love my work the way I am and at the same time love the rest part of my life

I had a lot of hobbies in the past

Knitting, cooking, drawing, reading, doing hand crafts etc (any sort of time consuming activities)

Yet now, I cannot get myself into any of them

Therefore THE question pops

What do I love?

The answer... well I am still finding

Everything has its pros & cons

I seldom truely "hate" a task/hobby/activity (just something)

But at the same time, I seldom really "love"

Its not easy to get my devotion

(My work seems to be an exception though)

Therefore eventually, the problem is - I am not devoted in life, I am not LIVING it

I am just making my life FLAT

We always need to ask the right questions to get the right answers

I think I have the right question now

As for the answer, I will give myself more time

Its something life long I suppose

The answer will be enriched from time to time

I do want to have some reference from the people around

(But these things will hardly be understood, I would be grateful if someone was willing to listen)

Yet I do not think I have good references around

Are they thinking too little or am I thinking too much? Whatever...

Anyway, my friends are mostly not caring, my families are not the peopl I look up to

Therefore I think I will head towards external help

How about life coaches?

Expansive, but worth a try

"I free myself not by trying to be free but by simply noticing how I am imprisoning myself" (Zen theory of change)