Wholesale - Forever Gone, Forever Yours

Worked in mainland today
Had chat with Stephen about wholesale during lunch
A chat that a long for
But also a chat that kills me

The first question he asked was
"Why would u like to stick to doing wholesale?"
I gave him the most straight forward answer ever
情意結
The 3 words are a short but powerful answer to myself
Well yes, I have started handling wholesale tasks
Since the fist week I worked in this company
It's the only thing that makes me feeling like a pioneer in my career

The second question he asked was
"What brings u the enjoyment?
Taking care of the VIP customers
Or the enjoyment of making a deal?"
Well...I forgot my exact answer
(Because that was nothing close to what I feel)
But I did mention that I taking care of wholesale customers is not the key to my satisfaction

I was then asked about my views towards wholesale
& what wholesale is
I expressed my thoughts
& he expressed his
Though I found our believes quite similar
He disagreed & mentioned about the gap between our ideas

After that, I could not remember clearly
Because I was crying
In front of my boss in Pizza Hut
Just the same as this moment when I am typing this diary
I mentioned that I would like to work more as a front line staff
Instead of a back office staff
I said I would like to be part of the sales team
He said that he again shared different views
Because he would like me to be the "corrector" of various departments
He saw more quality as a "corrector"in me
Than as a sales person

What a dreadful answer
Killed me totally
I was kind of emotional
& I did said something true about myself
I said I would like to be a front line sales
Because I was not doing good enough in this area
So I would like to work more on it

He listened wrongly I suppose
He said he was not kicking me out because of the poor sales results in the wholesale division
Oh great - another dreadful answer
He was not satisfied with my performance in wholesale
Well, he did mentioned about this in the last appraisal
I can still remember

He kept saying things
I was not actually listening
And I realised that I really want to stick to managing wholesale team
Which makes me even said

Didn't know when
He asked again
Questioning why I insist to do wholesale
I did not answer
I even told him that I would not answer
2 reasons
1. Ownership - greedy enough, I would just like to own the team
2. Stephen's 1-10 ability theory

To me, if I were the 9-10 type
I would like to work hard in order to become a 1-6
And eventually, also a 0-1
I want to be well-round
I want to be 0-10
I want no weaknesses
Particular of the fact that this is how Stephen sees me

The conclusion of the whole lunch chat was no good
Heart-breaking & devastating
Last but not the least
He "suggested" or shall I say "notified"me
That I should not talk about the problems of my subordinates
With the other colleagues

I knew what he was talking about
Definitely about yesterday
When I was screaming about Helen & Maggie's work
I knew what I did is wrong
Which made me feel even bad
Somehow, being professional means that you can not even express your disappointment & anger
For this reason, I cannot help myself from feeling shameful of my rackless behaviour yesterday
Feeling just as bad as last time when he "helped" me with the DHL case

Yes and just like last time
I kind of make the problem work
Is feeling shameful a motivation of mine?
How sick...I just do not want to lose
Especially not in front of him

Sat & worked next to Helen
Made 3 new items today ahead of normal schedule
Hope tomorrow will not be another sluggish day
I just hate to feel the shame again
In front of Meg
For she has always been the frontline sales person