Suspension Tokyo.dragonext

So many years have passed
The dew is still on the roses
I left my childhood
In the garden of green

Come in the garden
And look at the tress
I used to play there when I was a child
Squirrels & birds
Little fairies
Settled down there long ago

A song from the movie Arrietty
The lyrics made me feeling very lonely

Had another awful day
I think the coming year will also be awful

I was hopeful last night
But could not help it
When returned to office
Knowing that ebay had suspended Tokyo
Without warning us previously

Really
What were I doing in the past 6 months
No, 7 months indeed
From the end of May to now
Almost January

Stephen's words was haunting me again
For the hard work in the past half year
You achieved almost nothing
Have you ever doubted
That you had actually walked the wrong path
Heading the Wrong direction?
I think I will remember this question forever

Had a phone conversation with him
Another awful one
Felt so bad
Felt useless & retard

Feelings are something honest
You felt hurt
Then the problem did exist
That the problem did haunt you

Hated it this way
Why were I feeling disgusted
When listening to his speech
I shouldn't should
Because honestly
You are achieving almost nothing
With the resources you were given
Your boss
Any boss
Would have every right to feel displeased
And you are not "happy" when hearing his comments
That he needed to say
"Though you may not like it, I would like to speak it this way..."
Honestly
How dare you
With the trash work that you had done
Who give you the right to be unhappy?

After lunch
Got another msn from Stephen
He said that he would like to have Phoebe
To dedicate completely into the web editor position
And report directly to him
For this reason
Phoebe would not be able to work for product specifications any more
So I might have to hired another person

I asked him the deadline for his
He said 15 Jan 2011
I said ok
And immediately posted an ad online
Hiring a replacement
With tears all over my face

I sort of thought product team was on track
So I could shift my attention to another area
I thought product team could run on its own

I sort of thought HK CS team was on track
So I could stress my attention on SZ CS
I thought HK CS could run on its own

Now Phoebe needed to go
I needed to do things all over again
When I first worked in mainland
Taking care of the descriptions

Now Jess was having problem with Dragonext emails
I needed to monitor her
As if I was monitoring the SZ CS team
Taking care of mail quality & quantity

I realized that I was back to step number 1
Nothing was finished, completed or done
All cases were unclosed, unsettled
I couldn't help feeling tried
Well, I did feel tried
How rare

My work, my job, my career
Are the only things that give me a sense of existence
Only with them
I feel actual & strong
They give me the pride that I need
But now
I felt inferior
And vague

With regards to Phoebe's case
I said nothing
Well, with such bad results
Who gives you the right to say anything
Furthermore
She was hired as a web editor
You knew this long ago
Why even feel sad?

For the results that you had achieved
What you had was what you deserve
No one was being unfair to you
It's just business
It's nothing personal
Result oriented - that's all

When you are doing such lousy job
You are what you have done
So, please do not obstruct the others
Your bosses have plans
You could not fulfill
Then at least do not obstruct

You know that people like Phoebe is hard to be hired in SZ
Then, please do not obstruct Stephen's decision
Please do not say a word
Please do not say no
Please do not suggest
This is the most that you can do

Christmas

This Christmas is a nice one
I feel ok
Because my family is around this year

I love to cook for my loved ones

This Christmas
Well - Not bad
At least I did not think much about my work today
(Though I still filter mails for tomorrow xdxd)
(Better teach Helen on Wed)

The blog for today is really positive

Never The Best Christmas, Never The Wost

Hate Christmas
Simply because of bad mood

Extremely depressed today
Did not even know what I was doing at work
Definitely fooling around
Interrupted
Distrubed
Sat down to see the clock ticking
Did not know what to do

Stop myself from hands-on tasks?
Then what should I do
I do not really have much big plans or strategies recently
If I stopped myself from hands-on tasks
I should turn off the computer
And take a nap

Kept thinking the whole day
Kind of asking myself when would I quit the job
Never intended to quit my job
Questioned myself simply because of depression

Lnnch
Arranged a small party
I showed no energy
Did not really want to join
I did not have much facial expression
Nor did I talked much
Ate little too
Well, simply because there were not much to eat

The protion I prepared were too little for
5 men & 8 girls
I noticed in the morning
I could have fixed it
But simply because of feeling moody
I did not even feel like picking up the phone to order pizza

When I was depressed
I was fully charged by negativity
I did not inatiate anything this morning
I mean I had ordered the food
Prepared them at home
Took a taxi to carry them back
With no one helpping
(except for maggie who helped me to buy wasabi, soya etc)
Felt heavy
And tried
(Yes, I felt tried)
Started to think
If no one was helpping
When should I

Arrived office
Discovered that there were not enough food
Need to resolve this problem...
With no one helpping
I almost gave up
Lost all my energy
Even asked myself why arranging such event
Kind of thought
If food were not enough
Let it be
Who cares?
Yea, I was depressed and angry

I want everyone to be happy
I want to feel positivity
Like we used to be
So I arranged this
I paid it all
Well, sharing is good
I just hope everyone can be happy
But except me
How pathetic

Stephen came into contact with me
I did not want to stay in the same space with him
The humiliation accuminated recently were drowning me
He spoke to me for several times
I did not want to answer
Showed him a more relaxed face later
Simply because I knew I was looking dead
I did not want people to ask why

After lunch
Stephen questioned CS members for a parcel of his
Surprisingly
His order was actually a cat toy for me
Though defective
Becasue we thought it was some wrong items returned by our customers
I was grateful to have it
But felt terrible at the moment
I did not want to be reminded of any recent unhappiness
I could not regulate or cordinate myself
To suffer the humiliation on one day
And feel the joy on the next
Its not my bosses or anyone's problem
It just mind

I hate Christmas
The recent ones just bring me to tears
This year
Its of course not the best one
But turns out thyat its not the worst one
I realised that I have not enjoyed Christmas with my parents for
7 years I supose

I think abot more than I forget, I forgot more than I remember

I am crying quite a lot recently
Crying when travelling on a bus
Crying when walk on the street
Crying when dining with my friends in a Christmas Dinner
Today was a bad day
But I am pretty sure that tomorrow will be worse
Because tomorrow is the Christmas Eve
Mom & dad will be home
I will not even have room to cry
How pathetic

If the incident did not occur
Today should be a flat day
Stephen & Calvin did not come to me
Peggy did not come to me
Spent most of my time doing something "hands-on"
Ordered a lunch box that tasted really bad
Passed it to Peggy & Jess
Well, these were the earlier part of today

After lunch, Matt came into my room
He talked about his concerns towards wholesale
All of his concerns were
Well, out of my control
There was nothing I could do for him
Nor could I explain to him the reason why
Simply because I was ordered not to get into wholesale tasks again
Spoke to Ryan for some advise
No conclusions were drawn

Later, Stephen entered my room
Asked what I were doing in a really flat way
When I say flat, I actually mean "dead"
He spoke to me in 1 tone
With no facial expression what so ever
Well he is not a clown
Why necessary to cheer me up

I told him I was enriching HK's titles
He looked even "dead"
I knew he was trying to see how "hands-on" I was
Whether I had "changed" or "improved" the way he requested last Wed
He did told me that if I stuck to doing "hands-on" tasks
He would directly ask me to report to him
In front of my subordinates
Of course I remember, that was only last Wed

I further explained to him about what I were doing
I also told him that the 2 girls in mainland were listing new items
And they would send reports to me & Janet everyday before 4pm
He then went back to asking me what I were doing
Plus the key question - why couldn't these be passed to the 2 girls?
He asked me - couldn't they be taught?
I said that they could not handle these at the moment
Furthermore, they had to list new items
"That's all" He said
then he turned around and walked out of my room
I asked him - just to stop his steps
"Do you have something to say or ask?"
He said no and went away

What now?!
Was he too "disappointed" that he did not even like to speak an extra word?
He definitely had something to say
He just chose not to say it

Later after 5pm
Got a call from ebay HK
Replying us about London's restriction
Something that had been haunting us for the entire week
They said that we were restricted
Because some of our listings were priced at USD10000
But we sold some really simple, ordinary items
For this reason,
The US Trust & Safety regarded us as a suspicious seller
They suspected that we were money laundering with their platform
I simply replied ebay HK that we were suggested to do so by Wilson
Also a staff of ebay HK
They then told me to remove those listing asap
But London was restricted
How can I revise those?
I wrote an email to Stiffany
To ask for her help
And then I reported this to Stephen & Calvin

At that time, I felt that ebay was really a messed up corporation
Their HK office & US office were not coordinating with one another
I was still positive and I considered that a rather unfortunate incident
Instead of my mistake
But apparently
Stephen was not on my side
Which broke me down totally
I do not want to mention this clearly
Or I will have to type Chinese

Anyway
I felt humiliated
Humiliated by myself
As if I had slapped my face hard
I could not look more bad
When Meg also came to me motioning about the iPhone replacement screen landing page
Asking me for new specifications, products etc.
Wow, the other's team is making a huge success
Girl what are you doing?

I felt humiliated because I could find so many reasonable excuses
For the failure of my ebay business
But at the same time
I could not allow myself to "use" any of these reasons
To make myself feeling better

I started to think about Stephen's 0-10 theory
I doubted myself - maybe I am not meant to be a successful sales person?
I struggled
Because at the same time
I would not accept or admit
That I were weak in that area
Meg can do it
Why cant I

I started to feel where my pressure comes from
From my own fear
Fear about being de-graded by the others
Fear about being considered inferior
But in fact
I were the one
Who considered myself inferior
Its my insecurity that was haunting me

I tried to clear all these negative thoughts out of my mind
Because I had to attend a Christmas dinner in an hour
And I could cry at any point
But I thought more than I forgot
I in fact brought out more than I had expected

I think about more than I forget
I forgot more than I remember
Meaningless negativity is kept in my mind
While all positivity are forgone

Life Coaching Lesson 2

"With every breath you breathe in
You take in energy
With every breath you breathe out
You let you"

Started the 2nd lesson today
Much different from the previous lesson
Allows me to know what coaching really is

This time
We focused on something new
Originally
We were meant to focus on the relationship aspect
Or the something about my work & career
But later
We started to talk about the fragmentation of one self

This happened all the time
And I gave 2 significant examples to Miika

Example 1
When Oscar was not performing up to my expectation
& HK colleagues kept complaining to me
I feel stressful, tried, disappointed & lose-face
And later ran into the angry stage
Eventually, into depression

I struggled
Because the 2 personalities inside are fighting against one another
For the subjective self
I understood how many difficulties Oscar was facing
For that reason
I did not think I should push him extremely hard
In fact
I never thought scolding, punishing
or making him felt bad would be the way out
And I was disappointed when the rest HK colleagues
Were unable to understand the difficult situation
And saw what I saw
For the objective self
I asked myself if I were being too lenient
If I were not tough enough to remedy the problem
I understood that I should not give excuses
To Oscar & myself
And I felt disgraceful & lose-face
When the other point out my team's mistakes
That made me feeling inferior

Example 2
In the case of Rice, Ping & I
Our friendship faded out since 2010
I felt betrayed, disappointed, heart-breaking, disrespected,
Depressed & angry

My subjective self asked myself
Not to blame anyone
Including myself
And I need not to ask why
Or find the reason for this fading relationship
However
For my objective side
I kept asking if I had done anything wrong
If I really were the one to be blamed
And if I were being too self-centered
So that I was not able to realize the problem of myself
As a whole

The 2 "me" are battling against each other
If one said that sth
The other will immediately challenge
And my heart as a whole
Is restless
I feel tried
And depression is always the final stage
Because my brain just does not want to function anymore
I therefore head towards escaping

With a whole session
Sitting in different chairs
Miika discussed my 2nd example with me
She would like to bring up more information from me
I did not trust in the beginning
But in the end of the session
It worked
Miika really let me know what coaching is about
You think you already understand yourself?
No - She brings out more from within
And the best thing about Miika's coaching is that
She never gives you the answer
That you are looking for
She will not even comment about rights or wrongs
All decisions are left for your own self
Which makes life coaching less like consoling to me
And now, I do believe that life coaching is crucial

Anyway
I have now realize that
The fragmentation of myself is for my own protection
I need this kind of protection because
I am insecure
And because
I do not trust

The subjective self comes up naturally
But as I do not trust even myself
The objective self is formed
To capture more concrete information
In order to back up the subjective part
Yet, in order to be "accurate"
The objective self is "only" looking for "concrete" information
Therefore, there is only Black & White
Instead of Grey
Since then, the subjective part also felt clueless
Therefore the 2 fragmented parts
Keep struggling on and on and on

This is what I have to accept
But at the same time
What I have to resolve
This whole system would work perfect as a whole
The key is as always
To strike a balance

I love my complexity
But I also long for simplicity in myself
What will my future be like?

Hands-On

"Honestly, I can manage poeple
Just that I cannot manage myself."
This was what Stephen told me this Wed
Well, he was not really trying to say that he could not manage himself
What he was trying to say was that I could not manage people
That I was too hands-on a specific task
He always means MORE than what his lines verbally meant
Yea, this is Stephen, my boss

I did seriously thought about what to do after that Wed dreadful lunch meeting
To boost sales
There are only few ways out
1. New items (a lot of new items)
2. Price tuning (+ succcessful cost bargining, or price tuning may mean nothing)
3. Keywords/Listing enrichment (Need to do in bulk)

Sadly
1. New items
-->Ryan previous said that logistics did not have such capacity
2. Price tuning
-->Cost bargining are never that successful
3. Keyword/Listing enrichment
-->A massive, crazy task

Returned to HK office on Thu afternoon
Because I did not want to travel to SZ
(Staying there is just tough
Always feeling grim +
Hard to concentrate because people keep asking you things)
Also because I took a half day sick leave
Escaping half day from reality is again
Though wrong & childish
Its reasonable

Back to HK
Had a chat with Fun
Good things started to happen
There were in fact A LOT OF so call "new items" available to be listed in the stock room!!!
Those items were originally meant to be FOR website only
Strange enough, website items should never be stocked
Anyway, I now had over 74 existing "new items"
And I was glad
At least I was not totally stuck

Just 1 problem
There were no photos & HTM for those "new items"
Plus the camera was not even in HK office
Therefore I stayed in HK again on Friday (which is today)
I brought my own DC camera
I took photos all day long
Definitely THE MOST hands-on tasks evaaaarrrrr

Yet this time
I think I had a point
If there were no photos
Nothing could be listed
My entire artwork team was in SZ
It would be impossible if I assigned this to anyone
So I DO IT MYSELF

I am not delegating jobs to the others again
But this time
I think I am right
And
I hope I am right

最初是知而不行, 現在是什麼都不知

Last night was terrible
Pretty sure that I went back to my old track
People never change, right?

Today, its even worse
Had a lunch meeting with Stephen
As always, there was sth that he would like to say
Which brought out my tears in the most shameful way

I know that I am never the type of cold, tough girl
I know I often cry
But are you crying too much recently
That you cannot even control yourself in the public + in front of your boss???!!!
Girl, you are making me sick
How old are you?
Crying is ok
But in front of your BOSS???!!!
You must be nuts
The worst part is that you hate to look bad in front of this man
So now I am feeling shameful, silly & childish
I also feel humiliated
But I am the one who have humiliated myself
Bravo~Give yourself a clap
Because you just made things even worse
This is one of the most disgraceful day in my career life
Though I do admit that you cannot find any relationship between yourself & "Grace"

Felt grim yesterday
Felt busy, tried but pointless
Kind of don't know what to do
I seldom lose my direction
But yesterday, I did
And I even would like to leave the office as early as possible
Which is so "Not Me"

Still fooling around this morning
Don't know what the fuck I was doing
Don't even know why I were here
What I were meant for
Probably too busy & tried
Had my vision only focusing in an extremely narrow scope
Needed reminder
(I hate to admit)
And my lovely boss of course gave me the kind of reminder he liked

This is the least helpful type of assistant that I need
I admit that I need reminders
But I hate to felt like the one "In Need For Help"
Again, Girl, How Old Are You?
You need your boss to babysit you???

The whole talk was constructive
But devastating
Breaks me down totally
I honestly don't like to receive help
Because of my pride?
But what sort of pride does an inconfident girl like you have?
I do believe that
My extremely ironical character is pulling me apart

All of a sudden
I would like to escape
Sth that I would not allow
But would hope to do so
To escape to a space
Where there is no time
Where there is no people
Where there does not even have my existence
So That I can calm down a bit

Stephen said that I was tense
I denied
He said I was
Especially when I worked also on Sat & Sun
He told me to do sth that I liked
I broke down immediately
What he said was like sprinkling salt onto my wounds
Huge grains of sea salts

I Know I have problems
I know what my problems are
I need no one to remind me of my personally, internal problems
If you would like to remind me of my work
Please feel free to
Though I would not like to listen
I would appreciate such reminders
BUT don't send me reminders
Reminding me of my personal problems
Not that I am being too rude or eager
I just do not have guts to bring these topics to the front

I appreciate his attention
His sharing & experience
But that is not going to help me
It will just make me crumble
In public
In front of him
Which make me hate myself after all

Stephen suggested me to do sth I like on holidays
That was the part that got into my nerves
I cried out like a damn (fuckingly insane) baby
And said "I did not even know what to do on holidays."
WoWoWo~ Yea, he brought out the worst part
A problem that had been troubling me
A problem that I would like to solve by seeing a life coach
He then shared with me that
A successful life does not mean a happy life
I told him that I knew and I understood
And honestly
I understood this since I studied in primary
I asked myself what was the point of studying and getting good grades
My answer was to get a well paid job
Because a well paid job could bring me stability
But NOT happiness
Seems that my ironical character had been with me since young
Even myself was amazed to know that
I had developed critical thinking that young
For this reason
My life is meant to be hard
Because my thoughts are just too complicated

And my answer to Stephen's theory was
"知而不行"
Now I suffer more
Because I do not even know what I "knew" in the past

最初是知而不行, 現在是什麼都不知

It is hard
For I even need to look for that long lost answer
That answer was once with me
I chose to ignore it
And now,
It's not with me again
As if I were losing my instinct
All I have are a bunch of questions
Accompanied with a lot of question marks

The more you understand, the more you dont understand

"For every breath you breathe in

You gain more energy

For every breath you breathe out

You let go"

This is the relaxation exercise my life coach did with me in the 1st lesson

But I found myself sinking more and more in

With every breath i breathe in and out



Life has been a struggle

But fate had allowed me to take a short break

In the past 5 years

In year 2010

Life is like the way it was

Back to the tearful, desperate track

I invest in myself

Joining the life coach course

Because I am so sick of my life

After 5 years living in ease

I cannot go back to that painful track

I know that joining life coaching is not the solution

The life coach herself is not the solution

Me myself is the solution

However, the more I dig into myself

The more I feel grim



I always understand myself

But in my case

The more I understand myself

The more I cannot see the key to my problems

Let say -

How can I feel connected?

How can I avoid feeling lonely in or after happy moments

How can I stop crying alone...

The more I dig deep into myself

I more I don't understand

Am I making a fuss?

Are these problems really happening

Or its just me getting crazy

And creating all these "unreal" problems

What if these are not even problems

What if everyone has gone through this stage...



Feelings are however - always honest

You felt sad, desperate, depressed and you want to tear up etc

I can deny a lot of things

Even the problems that I am facing

But not these feelings




I thought my job can save me

From all these unhappiness

But it seems that I am not making any progress as well

Feeling disconnected from almost everything

What should be the next step?




I hope I am angry

Anger is a more positive energy comparing to being depressed

When I feel depressed

I am like stuck

As if I could not breathe

That there is such a strong force over my chest

And I cannot breathe deeply




For more and more often

I want to retreat

From everything that I am doing

I want to escape

This is the worst available option

I just want to stop

Stop everything

But I know that the world will never stop for me

So I cannot stop as well

Wholesale - Forever Gone, Forever Yours

Worked in mainland today
Had chat with Stephen about wholesale during lunch
A chat that a long for
But also a chat that kills me

The first question he asked was
"Why would u like to stick to doing wholesale?"
I gave him the most straight forward answer ever
情意結
The 3 words are a short but powerful answer to myself
Well yes, I have started handling wholesale tasks
Since the fist week I worked in this company
It's the only thing that makes me feeling like a pioneer in my career

The second question he asked was
"What brings u the enjoyment?
Taking care of the VIP customers
Or the enjoyment of making a deal?"
Well...I forgot my exact answer
(Because that was nothing close to what I feel)
But I did mention that I taking care of wholesale customers is not the key to my satisfaction

I was then asked about my views towards wholesale
& what wholesale is
I expressed my thoughts
& he expressed his
Though I found our believes quite similar
He disagreed & mentioned about the gap between our ideas

After that, I could not remember clearly
Because I was crying
In front of my boss in Pizza Hut
Just the same as this moment when I am typing this diary
I mentioned that I would like to work more as a front line staff
Instead of a back office staff
I said I would like to be part of the sales team
He said that he again shared different views
Because he would like me to be the "corrector" of various departments
He saw more quality as a "corrector"in me
Than as a sales person

What a dreadful answer
Killed me totally
I was kind of emotional
& I did said something true about myself
I said I would like to be a front line sales
Because I was not doing good enough in this area
So I would like to work more on it

He listened wrongly I suppose
He said he was not kicking me out because of the poor sales results in the wholesale division
Oh great - another dreadful answer
He was not satisfied with my performance in wholesale
Well, he did mentioned about this in the last appraisal
I can still remember

He kept saying things
I was not actually listening
And I realised that I really want to stick to managing wholesale team
Which makes me even said

Didn't know when
He asked again
Questioning why I insist to do wholesale
I did not answer
I even told him that I would not answer
2 reasons
1. Ownership - greedy enough, I would just like to own the team
2. Stephen's 1-10 ability theory

To me, if I were the 9-10 type
I would like to work hard in order to become a 1-6
And eventually, also a 0-1
I want to be well-round
I want to be 0-10
I want no weaknesses
Particular of the fact that this is how Stephen sees me

The conclusion of the whole lunch chat was no good
Heart-breaking & devastating
Last but not the least
He "suggested" or shall I say "notified"me
That I should not talk about the problems of my subordinates
With the other colleagues

I knew what he was talking about
Definitely about yesterday
When I was screaming about Helen & Maggie's work
I knew what I did is wrong
Which made me feel even bad
Somehow, being professional means that you can not even express your disappointment & anger
For this reason, I cannot help myself from feeling shameful of my rackless behaviour yesterday
Feeling just as bad as last time when he "helped" me with the DHL case

Yes and just like last time
I kind of make the problem work
Is feeling shameful a motivation of mine?
How sick...I just do not want to lose
Especially not in front of him

Sat & worked next to Helen
Made 3 new items today ahead of normal schedule
Hope tomorrow will not be another sluggish day
I just hate to feel the shame again
In front of Meg
For she has always been the frontline sales person

Friends

Woke up this morning
Felt as dreadful as last night
Still wep when thinking about the case
Sent Peggy & Ryan a short message
Mentioned that I would like to quit
Got Peggy's call immediately
She suggested me to confront my thoughts with Stephen
All of a sudden she became my coach
So thankful to have a friend like this
She was a colleague of mine
But she is also a good, caring friend

Did FYP in school
Finished researching
Left the library to call Chanice
To thank her to suggest me to use a better database for research
Mentioned to her about my drawback in work
She suggested me to confront to my boss
And not to accept things that I were uncomfortable with
She was also a coach of mine
So thankful to have a friend like this
She was a classmate of mine
We seldom see each other
But she is really a good, caring friend

Confronted to Stephen via text message
He has not yet replied
(instead of not replying i hope)
I have done what I should
And now I wait for his feedback
No matter if it was a good or bad one
I would not consider resignation
As long as he responds in a week
I think I feel much stronger
And I think I am being mature & professional this time
At least I have stepped up to express myself
Instead of tolerenting everything

Waited for Jane for dinner & movie
Talked with her about the case as well
Actually she knew already
But she is willing to listen for so many times
She gave me suggestions as well
As me not to think too much
And let go of the negative feelings
So thankful to have a friend like this
She is a colleague of mine
But also a good, caring friend

Read a passage from Kam Yuk on facebook
Quite a nice passage:

我們不能時時在身邊

好像電話簡訊也沒有了

我們不能第一時間分享彼此的快樂與不快樂

好像變的冷漠沉默了

我們不能再一起去吃飯一起說說笑笑

好像走出彼此的世界了

我們不能一起考試一起努力一起奮鬥

好像現在已經完全脫離過去了

我們不再有小矛盾也不再笑的那麼肆無忌憚

好像身邊少了一些什麼但也不那麼重要了

我們不能一起犯錯一起哭

好像那只屬於過去的不成熟

好像青蔥歲月只留下斑駁的記憶

我們都有了新的生活

新的環境 新的朋友

我們都在面對新的事

新的人陪在我們身邊

分享著我們的喜怒哀樂

有時候也會想起

想起曾經的我們

有時候一個小物品就會勾起一大串一大串的回憶

關於你

關於我們

甚至連那一句話都記得清楚

當時的笑當時的鬧

時間改變了什麼

其實什麼都沒有

時間讓我們從過去到現在

沖淡的是回憶 帶不走的也是回憶

親愛的你們

感激遇到你

陪我走過那一段長長的路

那時的我

幼稚不成熟

那時的我

遇到一個又一個坎

是你們陪我成長

沒有丟下我

如今

大家都在不同的地方

不同的環境

漸漸地

漸漸地

不再聯繫

但網誌的每一次更新

相簿的每一次更改

狀態的每一個變動

都牽動著彼此的心

因為這樣

我就知道

遠方的你們

好或不好

快樂或不快樂

原諒

不能時刻陪伴

原諒

那份感情不再濃烈

原諒

或許偶爾想起會感覺孤單

如果有一天

我們再遇見

朋友們

好哥們

好姐們

同桌的你

那當初的一切不會變

Feeling similar to the situation between Rice, Pinky & I?
NO, DEFINITELY NOT
Our situation cannot be describe in such a beautiful manner
It is distroted
They were my best friends
We were so close before
We meet each other everyweek
For more than once
But when friendship fades
They are nothing
Just 2 oridinary people in life
I dont hate them
They are just making their choices
But I cannot devote into the relationship any more
Simply because it hurts

People like Chanice, Carrie, Emily
Though they are not really close with me
Though we will not see each other once a week
They care about me
They bear me in their minds

As for my closest best friends?
They abandone me
I will not hear from them
Not until they post photos of they & my other friends finishing an activity
No calls, no messages, no msn from them
And even if I tried to contact
They would not respond

Though Ms Life Coach is a good one
She was wrong about 1 thing
She asked me how many time am I willing to devote on my friends when I am so into working
She assumed that I were not devoted
But in reality
It was my best friends
whol had chosen not to devote into the friendship any more
I am not the one who quit
They are
I quit now
Just because it hurts too much

I do not know if one day Ryan, Peggy, Jane Chanice, Carrie & Emily would fade away from my life
I am happy to have them in my life
But anyone can fade away from the others life
We will never know until the point of no turing back has been passed

Friday

To me, Friday is the best day in a week

Not even Sat & Sun can compare with Friday

I always love Friday

But I have cried for the last 3 Fridays

Friday is no longer the way it was

Or

It s just me who had changed



Friday

For the past 3 Fridays, i have cried

Not at home in bed

Not at home during the shower

I cried in the office when most people were gone

And the craziest thing today is - I have been weeping before people were off



I cried on the first Friday

Because Stephen asked me to share a new staff that I had with Meg

Not share to be exact

But to allocate to her



I cried on the second Friday

Because, well also because of Stephen

Who had started a rather headaching topic without ending it

Gone himself, leaving me behind with a troubled mind



I cried on today, on the third Friday

Because , again of Stephen

Who had kicked me out of the wholesale team

And allocated me to handle new items as product team



The wholesale business or sector

Was developed by me

Not to be proud, I was just the one who came across to set up the team

It was in July 2009 when I hired my second staff -Donald Wong

He was not given the opportunity to handle wholesale order until March 2010

Now in Nov 2010

The Peak Season of the year

I was officially kicked out of the team and Donald would be in charge



When I first read Donald's resume, I thought - HE IS THE ONE

His performance was not bad, but never perfect of course

He has good academic background

I suppose both my bosses kind of like him



When he was first hired

He had the perfect title - Associate Account Manager

While I - his supervisor was - Customer Service Specialist

When I first handled / set up the wholesale team

There were nothing

Not even extra resources

I once did the packing of a 1000-piece on my own

Now, there is an incentive program

And I was being kicked out

I was not happy

Kind of angry to be honest

Well, maybe soon or later, Donald will be paid more than me

He has the incentive program

And he can expand his sales by hiring more staff

All sharing commission



I was unhappy

Not because of $$

But why kicking me out from sth I set up on my own

I gave birth to the team

I still believe



I always want to be a sales person

Because I had fear & doubts

That boosting sales might be a weakness of mine

So I longed for such opportunity

And would like to prove myself wrong



The sales results of ebay proved that I could not really boost sales

And now

Wholesale is also gone

What's left? - I still have Product Development

Something that I never intend to head towards



I suppose I was not under Meg

But keep being pushed by her for new items

Its not her problem

Its just not what I like to do

Remember the time when Stephen first asked / assigned / pushed / forced me to do product development

I ran away from the office in the afternoon

Being so reasonably childish

But it turns out that I am doing product development now


I do not always want to do "tidy up" tasks all the time

I had been in Customer Service Team,

Something similar to the so call "Quality Assurance Team"

Now Product Team

Responsible for activating new items and inactivating old items

I want to develop myself to become the "starter" or "pioneer" too...

Instead of tidying up the other's mess...

When will my dreadful Fridays end?

I admit it (thought i would hate to)

The reason that people are addicted to work are because of several reasons
They need money
They need recognition
They look for status
They hate to cope with loneliness
Well yes, Ms Life Coach, you have pin pointed almost everything
I will not be finanically sufficient to be a student of yours at the moment
But one day, I will

I started to realize that I have fears
Fears that I did not even recognized
Fears that I had never paid attention to
And maybe its time I face them

Start to feel some "hope" or so call "light" in my recent days
Good?
Can be better~
And I still have a peak season to rock~

Back

Returned to write this really old blog again

My first feeling is - time fades

When I first started this blog

It was all about doing homework

The subject was Forecasting Colors & Trends (I suppose)

At that time, I was like studying full time

So devoted & so into what I was doing

I mean, from time to time, I was "into something"

And now, what am I i"into"?

Into my work

A rather narrow scope I think

Why is the scope narrow?

Well, because I am limiting my growth

To sum up, I have been probably "too devoted" or "too into" my work in the past year

Being "too focused", I started to lose my friends, my family & my interest in life

I felt great when I was working

Energetic & powerful during Monday to Friday

I felt depressed when I was on holiday

Depressed & tried during Saturday & Sunday

For this reason, I worked also on Saturdays & Sundays

Gave me a relieve for a short while

But dragged me even deeper into the mud pit

I started to think that maybe I am "too focused" again

Though I always believe that there is nothing so call "too focused" when it comes to working & career

You reap what you sow

So I am totally finw with being "too focused" at the same time

Anyway, just like any investment,

Yout scope cannot be too narrow

Or it will be risky

I know that I need to turn around the situation

I need to love my work the way I am and at the same time love the rest part of my life

I had a lot of hobbies in the past

Knitting, cooking, drawing, reading, doing hand crafts etc (any sort of time consuming activities)

Yet now, I cannot get myself into any of them

Therefore THE question pops

What do I love?

The answer... well I am still finding

Everything has its pros & cons

I seldom truely "hate" a task/hobby/activity (just something)

But at the same time, I seldom really "love"

Its not easy to get my devotion

(My work seems to be an exception though)

Therefore eventually, the problem is - I am not devoted in life, I am not LIVING it

I am just making my life FLAT

We always need to ask the right questions to get the right answers

I think I have the right question now

As for the answer, I will give myself more time

Its something life long I suppose

The answer will be enriched from time to time

I do want to have some reference from the people around

(But these things will hardly be understood, I would be grateful if someone was willing to listen)

Yet I do not think I have good references around

Are they thinking too little or am I thinking too much? Whatever...

Anyway, my friends are mostly not caring, my families are not the peopl I look up to

Therefore I think I will head towards external help

How about life coaches?

Expansive, but worth a try

"I free myself not by trying to be free but by simply noticing how I am imprisoning myself" (Zen theory of change)