Life Coaching Lesson 2

"With every breath you breathe in
You take in energy
With every breath you breathe out
You let you"

Started the 2nd lesson today
Much different from the previous lesson
Allows me to know what coaching really is

This time
We focused on something new
Originally
We were meant to focus on the relationship aspect
Or the something about my work & career
But later
We started to talk about the fragmentation of one self

This happened all the time
And I gave 2 significant examples to Miika

Example 1
When Oscar was not performing up to my expectation
& HK colleagues kept complaining to me
I feel stressful, tried, disappointed & lose-face
And later ran into the angry stage
Eventually, into depression

I struggled
Because the 2 personalities inside are fighting against one another
For the subjective self
I understood how many difficulties Oscar was facing
For that reason
I did not think I should push him extremely hard
In fact
I never thought scolding, punishing
or making him felt bad would be the way out
And I was disappointed when the rest HK colleagues
Were unable to understand the difficult situation
And saw what I saw
For the objective self
I asked myself if I were being too lenient
If I were not tough enough to remedy the problem
I understood that I should not give excuses
To Oscar & myself
And I felt disgraceful & lose-face
When the other point out my team's mistakes
That made me feeling inferior

Example 2
In the case of Rice, Ping & I
Our friendship faded out since 2010
I felt betrayed, disappointed, heart-breaking, disrespected,
Depressed & angry

My subjective self asked myself
Not to blame anyone
Including myself
And I need not to ask why
Or find the reason for this fading relationship
However
For my objective side
I kept asking if I had done anything wrong
If I really were the one to be blamed
And if I were being too self-centered
So that I was not able to realize the problem of myself
As a whole

The 2 "me" are battling against each other
If one said that sth
The other will immediately challenge
And my heart as a whole
Is restless
I feel tried
And depression is always the final stage
Because my brain just does not want to function anymore
I therefore head towards escaping

With a whole session
Sitting in different chairs
Miika discussed my 2nd example with me
She would like to bring up more information from me
I did not trust in the beginning
But in the end of the session
It worked
Miika really let me know what coaching is about
You think you already understand yourself?
No - She brings out more from within
And the best thing about Miika's coaching is that
She never gives you the answer
That you are looking for
She will not even comment about rights or wrongs
All decisions are left for your own self
Which makes life coaching less like consoling to me
And now, I do believe that life coaching is crucial

Anyway
I have now realize that
The fragmentation of myself is for my own protection
I need this kind of protection because
I am insecure
And because
I do not trust

The subjective self comes up naturally
But as I do not trust even myself
The objective self is formed
To capture more concrete information
In order to back up the subjective part
Yet, in order to be "accurate"
The objective self is "only" looking for "concrete" information
Therefore, there is only Black & White
Instead of Grey
Since then, the subjective part also felt clueless
Therefore the 2 fragmented parts
Keep struggling on and on and on

This is what I have to accept
But at the same time
What I have to resolve
This whole system would work perfect as a whole
The key is as always
To strike a balance

I love my complexity
But I also long for simplicity in myself
What will my future be like?