I think abot more than I forget, I forgot more than I remember

I am crying quite a lot recently
Crying when travelling on a bus
Crying when walk on the street
Crying when dining with my friends in a Christmas Dinner
Today was a bad day
But I am pretty sure that tomorrow will be worse
Because tomorrow is the Christmas Eve
Mom & dad will be home
I will not even have room to cry
How pathetic

If the incident did not occur
Today should be a flat day
Stephen & Calvin did not come to me
Peggy did not come to me
Spent most of my time doing something "hands-on"
Ordered a lunch box that tasted really bad
Passed it to Peggy & Jess
Well, these were the earlier part of today

After lunch, Matt came into my room
He talked about his concerns towards wholesale
All of his concerns were
Well, out of my control
There was nothing I could do for him
Nor could I explain to him the reason why
Simply because I was ordered not to get into wholesale tasks again
Spoke to Ryan for some advise
No conclusions were drawn

Later, Stephen entered my room
Asked what I were doing in a really flat way
When I say flat, I actually mean "dead"
He spoke to me in 1 tone
With no facial expression what so ever
Well he is not a clown
Why necessary to cheer me up

I told him I was enriching HK's titles
He looked even "dead"
I knew he was trying to see how "hands-on" I was
Whether I had "changed" or "improved" the way he requested last Wed
He did told me that if I stuck to doing "hands-on" tasks
He would directly ask me to report to him
In front of my subordinates
Of course I remember, that was only last Wed

I further explained to him about what I were doing
I also told him that the 2 girls in mainland were listing new items
And they would send reports to me & Janet everyday before 4pm
He then went back to asking me what I were doing
Plus the key question - why couldn't these be passed to the 2 girls?
He asked me - couldn't they be taught?
I said that they could not handle these at the moment
Furthermore, they had to list new items
"That's all" He said
then he turned around and walked out of my room
I asked him - just to stop his steps
"Do you have something to say or ask?"
He said no and went away

What now?!
Was he too "disappointed" that he did not even like to speak an extra word?
He definitely had something to say
He just chose not to say it

Later after 5pm
Got a call from ebay HK
Replying us about London's restriction
Something that had been haunting us for the entire week
They said that we were restricted
Because some of our listings were priced at USD10000
But we sold some really simple, ordinary items
For this reason,
The US Trust & Safety regarded us as a suspicious seller
They suspected that we were money laundering with their platform
I simply replied ebay HK that we were suggested to do so by Wilson
Also a staff of ebay HK
They then told me to remove those listing asap
But London was restricted
How can I revise those?
I wrote an email to Stiffany
To ask for her help
And then I reported this to Stephen & Calvin

At that time, I felt that ebay was really a messed up corporation
Their HK office & US office were not coordinating with one another
I was still positive and I considered that a rather unfortunate incident
Instead of my mistake
But apparently
Stephen was not on my side
Which broke me down totally
I do not want to mention this clearly
Or I will have to type Chinese

Anyway
I felt humiliated
Humiliated by myself
As if I had slapped my face hard
I could not look more bad
When Meg also came to me motioning about the iPhone replacement screen landing page
Asking me for new specifications, products etc.
Wow, the other's team is making a huge success
Girl what are you doing?

I felt humiliated because I could find so many reasonable excuses
For the failure of my ebay business
But at the same time
I could not allow myself to "use" any of these reasons
To make myself feeling better

I started to think about Stephen's 0-10 theory
I doubted myself - maybe I am not meant to be a successful sales person?
I struggled
Because at the same time
I would not accept or admit
That I were weak in that area
Meg can do it
Why cant I

I started to feel where my pressure comes from
From my own fear
Fear about being de-graded by the others
Fear about being considered inferior
But in fact
I were the one
Who considered myself inferior
Its my insecurity that was haunting me

I tried to clear all these negative thoughts out of my mind
Because I had to attend a Christmas dinner in an hour
And I could cry at any point
But I thought more than I forgot
I in fact brought out more than I had expected

I think about more than I forget
I forgot more than I remember
Meaningless negativity is kept in my mind
While all positivity are forgone