Never The Best Christmas, Never The Wost

Hate Christmas
Simply because of bad mood

Extremely depressed today
Did not even know what I was doing at work
Definitely fooling around
Interrupted
Distrubed
Sat down to see the clock ticking
Did not know what to do

Stop myself from hands-on tasks?
Then what should I do
I do not really have much big plans or strategies recently
If I stopped myself from hands-on tasks
I should turn off the computer
And take a nap

Kept thinking the whole day
Kind of asking myself when would I quit the job
Never intended to quit my job
Questioned myself simply because of depression

Lnnch
Arranged a small party
I showed no energy
Did not really want to join
I did not have much facial expression
Nor did I talked much
Ate little too
Well, simply because there were not much to eat

The protion I prepared were too little for
5 men & 8 girls
I noticed in the morning
I could have fixed it
But simply because of feeling moody
I did not even feel like picking up the phone to order pizza

When I was depressed
I was fully charged by negativity
I did not inatiate anything this morning
I mean I had ordered the food
Prepared them at home
Took a taxi to carry them back
With no one helpping
(except for maggie who helped me to buy wasabi, soya etc)
Felt heavy
And tried
(Yes, I felt tried)
Started to think
If no one was helpping
When should I

Arrived office
Discovered that there were not enough food
Need to resolve this problem...
With no one helpping
I almost gave up
Lost all my energy
Even asked myself why arranging such event
Kind of thought
If food were not enough
Let it be
Who cares?
Yea, I was depressed and angry

I want everyone to be happy
I want to feel positivity
Like we used to be
So I arranged this
I paid it all
Well, sharing is good
I just hope everyone can be happy
But except me
How pathetic

Stephen came into contact with me
I did not want to stay in the same space with him
The humiliation accuminated recently were drowning me
He spoke to me for several times
I did not want to answer
Showed him a more relaxed face later
Simply because I knew I was looking dead
I did not want people to ask why

After lunch
Stephen questioned CS members for a parcel of his
Surprisingly
His order was actually a cat toy for me
Though defective
Becasue we thought it was some wrong items returned by our customers
I was grateful to have it
But felt terrible at the moment
I did not want to be reminded of any recent unhappiness
I could not regulate or cordinate myself
To suffer the humiliation on one day
And feel the joy on the next
Its not my bosses or anyone's problem
It just mind

I hate Christmas
The recent ones just bring me to tears
This year
Its of course not the best one
But turns out thyat its not the worst one
I realised that I have not enjoyed Christmas with my parents for
7 years I supose